Why I Write

The easy answer, the only answer, is to stay sane. Writing has always been my anchor to sanity. Fiction writing, really. In my fiction I can act out my fantasies, see how certain situations could play out if things went a bit differently, take out my stress on characters I don't like. In my fiction writing I can take destroy and create and have no real life consequences. As to be expected, my fiction tends to be of a darker nature, and I fear that is why much of it doesn't get published.

Writing non-fiction helps me make money and hone my craft, but it doesn't satisfy the same way fiction does. Non-fiction is masturbation. Fiction is the orgy. When I don't write fiction, I start to get a little strange. I haven't been writing much of it lately do to time constraints, work, personal life, etc.. I have to devote more time to it, though, because it's the only way out of my situation, and that makes me think I may have to even further my isolation. I was planning on going out tonight and hanging with friends, video games, etc.. My daughter isn't with me tonight (when she's with me all my time is devoted to her and I refuse to change that), so I thought it would be nice to get out. Now I think it would be nicer to isolate, get the cannibal manuscript done, and get it out there.

Anyone who writes for the same reasons understands this. Anyone who works as a writer knows you have to devote time to it. If I want to achieve fiction success, enough so that I don't have to work this horrid job anymore, I need to take hours every day and get shit done. As it stands now, I used to just write in the morning and night. Then it became just the morning. Then it was when I had time. Lately I've been doing more at night and it feels good. It gets my mind off my mind, and I feel like I'm making a difference in my life. Music is playing. TV is off. Ideas are flowing. And I don't feel like killing everyone I meet.

I haven't decided how to pull off this balancing act yet. Don't know if I'm able to, quite frankly. But I want this manuscript published. I want a book deal (would not turn down a movie option, either). I want to give my notice, buy a place where I can't see any other houses around me. I want a ten foot high wall, and groceries delivered. In other words, I want this book published so I can get the hell away from people and crank out another one.

I have a variety of manuscripts in various stages. I have not had much luck in placing them, and that is discouraging. I'll leave some sit a year or two before going back to them and tweaking them more. (I totally scrapped one that was finished after about eight years of not being able to place it and getting so tired of reading it that I realized I don't ever want it published.)

I may or may not go out tonight. If I do, I can be back early enough to get some writing done, some quality writing, and that won't be a bad thing. I would like to see my friends and perhaps socialize a bit, but maybe not.

For my sanity ...